Mix Tape
by alittlenutjob
Summary: Breaking writer's block with a series of shorts. Probably indulgent. Hope you missed the 90's. As always I own nothing and write this with the greatest respect for the creators.
1. Independence Day

Music: Ani DiFranco, 'Independence Day'

* * *

She'd been Danny's for 27 short days. It was only natural that things could drift back to some semblance of normalcy quickly. Kim Kardashian had been married longer, and over it in half the time. Mindy didn't know why this didn't feel the same as it did when Casey left, when anyone else left. She was going to get over this in record time, exactly like Kim. Exactly.

She could still work, which seemed like a sure sign of being able to get through this. The doctor was in. She ushered little people into the world, held the hands of women who'd surely dealt with a heartbreak or two before they arrived in this moment where they learned how to fall in love again for the first time, with tiny fingernails and sleepy eyes and little rosebud lips that would learn the words for mother all too soon. Mindy would be lying if she said she hadn't let her mind wander once or twice in 27 days to the day where she might fall in love with her own little someone. Wavy hair like his father, that Roman profile, her earthy and true skin, their combined tempers, their combined capacity for happiness. But she didn't feel anything as she handed over little miracles to warm and loving arms, not even sorrow. She hadn't lost anything that had really been hers to lose. It was only 27 days. She had real work to do.

As a surgeon, her time was never her own, something she'd accepted years ago. Meals were always at the wrong time, always either too much or too little. It was probably a contributor to that extra 15 lbs she wished would just disappear. Once upon a time she'd worried about it pretty steadily, but someone told her that looking like herself, looking like a woman, was a good thing. It didn't really matter, because she knew that she was powerful, beautiful and those 15 pounds were hers and hers alone to love or let go. All the same, when someone holds you close, all of you, when hot hands can't get enough of the thick flesh you'd undervalued until that moment, that matters. She can't even pretend she doesn't mourn the loss of it, that worshipful touch. But it would happen again someday. She hadn't eaten more than a couple of bites of food at any meal in some time and it was beginning to look like that last 15 might be gone by the time new hands learned her body. Maybe new hands wouldn't trace your too full belly with soft, soft circles like you were something beautiful to touch, but he had been the only one who liked to do that anyway. Lose 15 pound, gain 15 more, it wouldn't matter because one day she'd forget the way it felt, and her body would be her own again.

She did cry from time to time, in the closet. In the bedroom she just felt sickly embarrassment gnawing at her stomach, and a heavy unnamed feeling pushing her into the mattress. It was suffocating, but safe, in a way. Insomnia and strange sleep cycles were familiar. She'd try to pass this time in the quiet hours of the night when she should be resting by cataloging her wardrobe as she always had. But bright overhead light glittering off ripe colors and lush fabrics in the closet opened up something inside her that she couldn't push back down. Damn him for ruining this for her. Morgan was a heavy sleeper, but she'd crawl onto the fire escape to be safe and let it go. If you could see her from far away the shivers of an unusually cold spring and shaking silent sobs were almost indistinguishable from each other. This she could allow him. He and his 27 days and his friendship could have this. She would get over this.

Morgan told her, one night as she sat in front of uneaten food, that when she was in California he and Peter had caught Cliff listening to Jewel. It was kinda funny, and a little sweet. There was something about music from those teen years when heartache became a real part of your emotional landscape that made you return to it for healing. She'd turned to Sarah McLachlan, and he'd turned to Jewel. Maybe he had been the one, and Danny had just been a bump in her road back to Cliff. They could be happy. Cliff had gotten over his trust issues for her once, maybe he'd do it again. Then Danny would disappear in the rear view as she and her perfect, blue-eyed lawyer rode off into the sunset.

She'd stayed at the table long enough to be polite and moved the food around a bit to fool Morgan into thinking she'd eaten something. An early night, she'd said, morning rounds. She picked up her laptop and carried it to bed, thinking if she just played 'Building a Mystery' one more time she might be able to rekindle what she'd felt when she had been so heartbroken over Cliff. If she could return to that it would be like Danny never happened.

She didn't feel any further from tonight when she listened to Sarah again, but *NSync kind of helped. She had a little moment as she passed Aaliyah in the playlist, but she was back on track by the time she rediscovered No Doubt. She took a detour into some Britpop and came back out via a mix inspired by the one and only rave she'd attended. She remembered feeling terrified that Gwen was going to get addicted to drugs and being worried about the reading list she had waiting back at the dorm.

As 3am rolled around she'd settled firmly into a Lilith Fair situation when a long forgotten breakup sponsored by Ani DiFranco reared its ugly head. She couldn't remember the guy's last name and break up might not have been the right word for discovering he had a long term girlfriend after a semester of study dates and an awkward make out session in the library, but it had hurt all the same.

Mindy closed her laptop and tried to hold on to that old hurt. A semester was a lot longer than 27 days. This was just fresh, not worse. What was it he'd said? "You never know a love song until you have a broken heart." That's all this was. She would get over this. Any day now.

_You can't leave me here. I got your back now, and you'd better have mine 'cause you say the coast is clear, but you say that all the time._


	2. Missing

Everything but the Girl, 'Missing'

* * *

Jeremy looked... happy. That was the worst part. He'd just told Mindy off for dating around the office only weeks ago, and now he was falling back into that same habit. Danny had carefully avoided the topic of Jeremy and Mindy's... arrangement... when they were together, but he knew that it hadn't meant anything to Jeremy. And it had meant something to Mindy. The very idea that she could rebound like this... The idea that Jeremy was letting it happen made him feel sick.

Danny should have known better than to say yes to another office club night, but all eyes had focused on him and he'd caved. Well, almost all eyes. The way Mindy dodged him that morning should have been some sort of hint as to how painful this would be. Actually, fuck that. This was so much worse. If she'd just picked up another sports lawyer, or danced a little with Betsy and Morgan he could have given the night 90 minutes of halfhearted effort and ducked out to go home and lick his wounds. Instead she leaned into Jeremy's shoulder, a throaty laugh winding through the crowd at the bar.

He clutched his glass, melting ice doing nothing to improve the bourbon. How many had he had now? The room swam, but it wasn't like intoxication, it was like that fucked up falling feeling you get that wakes you in the night. He tried to breathe slowly, but the pumping music and Mindy's hand tracing Jeremy's thigh made his heart pound. He was pissed off. He was crushed. He was a little turned on. He had to get out of here.

"Dr Castellano, do you want to dance?" Betsy's voice hopeful, her face open and he could see how easily he could crush her. He was so tempted to lash out so someone in this fucking club would feel even half as destroyed as he felt right this moment.

"Sure, Bets." No one talked about that night when Betsy declared her love for him, but he hoped he could gently direct her towards friendship and save her unnecessary pain. Because that had gone so well for him lately.

Betsy was not a graceful dancer, but she was enthusiastic. He was careful to make minimum contact, just friends. She seemed happy enough until she caught him glancing one time too many back at the bar. "Dr Castellano, what's wrong?"

"Nothing Betsy. I just thought... I thought we were instituting a no intraoffice dating policy."

Oh," Betsy said so quietly he didn't really hear it, but he could read in on her face.

As her face fell his heart lurched. He'd seen that look so recently and it made him even more aware of how badly he'd hurt his best friend. And how unfairly he'd dismissed Betsy's feelings. He just ruined everything for everyone. He put his hands on her arms gently. "Betsy, I'm sorry. I very flattered that you feel so strongly about me. You're great and I wish I could return the feeling. I'm sorry I can't and I hope you will still want to be my friend."

Her eyes glistened as she swallowed hard and nodded. "Thank you for saying that. I hope one day we can be friends too." She ducked her head and he saw the first tears fall as she made her way past the bar, presumably towards the ladies room. Jeremy and Mindy both looked up and Jeremy patted Mindy's arm before taking off to trail behind Betsy, through the club.

Mindy marched toward him as he stood there like a broken toy. His brain told him to run, but his legs wouldn't let him. "What did you do to her, Danny?"

"I just... I told her I wanted to be her friend." Even under the strobing lights, even under her perfectly applied makeup, he could see the color drain from her face. He wanted to explain, but he didn't know what to say that wouldn't make it worse.

She swallowed and licked her lips. "Of course."

"Mindy..."

"I think you should go." she said firmly.

"I will go, I promise, but would you please talk to me?" he begged.

"What do you want to talk about, Danny? I have yet to see any of the benefits of being your 'best friend' so why now? You want to tell me how you destroyed another woman's heart in the name of friendship?"

"Destroyed?" he whispered. She couldn't have possibly heard it in this melee, but her face crumpled briefly before she could hide it.

He took her arm and pulled her gently to the edge of the crowd. It still wasn't quiet enough. He led her to the coat check, which was blissfully unattended and pulled her into the back where they could hear each other. They just stood there, unable to look at each other as music filtered in to expand in the uncomfortable silence between them. She smiled sadly. "I used to love this song"

He tilted his head and strained to hear it clearly. "Yeah? I don't know it."

"Everything but the Girl."

He closed his eyes for a second to catch the lyrics, but they slipped away from him. When he opened his eyes again she was staring at him. He took a deep breath. "You don't love it anymore though?"

"I don't know. Maybe I do. I guess I just moved on to other things."

"Like Jeremy?"

She raised her eyebrows. "I beg your pardon?"

"Mindy... I know I don't have any right..."

She cut him off. "You don't. You don't have any right to my personal life."

"It's just, it's just that he wasn't good to you. You deserve more.

"I had 'more' for a minute, Danny. Then 'more' dumped me too. I really think you should drop this."

"Mindy, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just want to go back to when we could talk to each other. I want my friend back."

"It's not as simple as that, is it?"

"It is as simple as that," he insisted. He wanted so badly to grab her hands.

"Maybe I don't want to be your friend." She looked directly into his eyes, sadness emanating from her, or maybe it was just reflecting from the desperation he knew he gave off in waves.

"Why not?" He could feel her breath on his neck. Why wasn't she wearing heels? She was that perfect height like this, she'd fit so perfectly against him. If she were still his. He felt like she wanted to say more, but he couldn't get past his gut reaction, all the air sucked out of the room, his stomach clenched tight.

"What you you doing back here?" They both turned, jolted out of the moment by the person who was probably supposed to be manning this coat check when they snuck in only minutes ago.

"I, uh, I needed my coat." Danny muttered awkwardly and looked around, spotting the plain brown leather easily against all the flashier, more stylish coats. He pulled it down and handed the girl the check ticket, ducking as he pushed past her. He caught one last glimpse of Mindy before he reached the door, her lips pursed unhappily, her eyes bright with unshed tears. In the open club he finally caught a lyric as he turned and rushed out to meet the cool evening air with tears of his own threatening to ruin everything all over again. Shoving his hands into his pockets, Danny walked away.

_And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain._


End file.
